A feminist manifesto on overcoming the biological burden of urination

Rated PG-13

As most of you know, before we crossed the border, Tree and I spent our last couple weeks in San Diego with the Simkos.  During that time, I cleaned and organized the van with the help of the two youngest Simkos, Kayden and Avary. Curious as kids are, they loved to ask me how things work in Sprinterlife.  Is this where you sleep? Is that where Kiki eats? You get the picture. The one question that I couldn’t quite answer though was, where do you pee?

Well, girls, it’s more complicated than just where I pee; it’s more a question of how.

For centuries, men have had the apparatus advantage in urination, but get ready, because the times they are a changin’! Read below to learn how I have overcome yet another biological burden and liberated myself from the bondage of sitting down.

The first time I used it, I didn’t want to take any chances. I took off all my clothes and made a paper towel-landing pad on the floor of the van. I uncapped the empty one-gallon water jug and positioned it by my side next to the baby wipes. Then, I got down on my knees and carefully placed the soft rubber, purple funnel over my yoni just like it said to do in the Freedom Whiz brochure. 

So far, so good. I inserted my new prosthetic penis in the water bottle, and tried to concentrate.

From their respective beds, Kiki and Tree tracked my every move.  She showed only mild concern, but Tree’s mouth slackened and his eyes stretched wide. His look reflected a cross between wonder and amusement with flashes of horror.

“Stop staring at me.”

“Why?”

“Because it looks funny with a funnel on, and I don’t want you to think of it this way.”

“I think it looks cute. Like a purple anteater.”

What can I say? I love my funnel. I know, I know, you may find it distasteful, but you need to understand that to me, it’s liberating. Before, I used to have to scurry around, half-blind and bleary eyed in the middle of the night, looking for a bush to hide behind. One time, I even had to pee on the roof of the Bellagio, and they have security cameras. But, now, things are different. Thanks to my Freedom Whiz funnel and a water jug, I, too, get to pee in the warmth and comfort of home.  -STEVIE